urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay From blech to meh babiblu8698@aol.com crazishayshay 2009-12-15T01:08:23Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:38019 2009-12-15T01:08:23Z 2009-12-15T01:08:23Z I have done nothing but help this kid since he broke my fucking heart. <br /><br />His car breaks down so I fucking drive him everywhere he needs to go and give him my car during the days to go to work. And I am going to have trouble if I have to drive him around tomorrow and he gets pissed at me. Tells me he is mad because " as a friend, I don't want to help him." <br /><br />Well...As a girlfriend I shouldn't even be talking to him. <br /><br />So he can go fuck hisself. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:37739 2009-12-13T05:16:55Z 2009-12-13T05:16:55Z I am so sick of being hurt. It is starting to feel as though I was put on Earth to be a target. I work very hard to acheive my goals and to fulfill my dreams, and yet it always feels like someone is going to come along and crush them. <br /><br />I put all of my love, energy, and faith into a relationship that I hoped would be lasting. Now, that is falling apart too. Liars and I don't exist well together. It is killing me though, because this person was supposed to be there for me and love me, and he so did not do that at all. <br /><br />I hate myself for once again givingng to me everything that I could, only to be let down and hurt in the end. Worst part about the whole thing is that I let myself be manipulated for months before I could see the light. I should have stuck to my gut and pursued it further, but each time I caved to his bullshit. I gave him the benfit of the doubt and moved on;big mistake on my part since he was lying to me the entire time. <br /><br />How do I even go on from here? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:37580 2009-12-09T22:28:29Z 2009-12-09T22:28:29Z I made it from friday to wednesday without shedding a tear. <br /><br />And that all came crashing down after I got an A in my English class. <br /><br />Now I can cry all I fucking want. <br /><br />I feel so alone in the world. <br /><br />Maybe it is just better this way.<br /><br />Betrayal is my worst pet peeve. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:37249 2009-12-06T21:59:24Z 2009-12-06T21:59:24Z There is nothing quite like getting broken up with for no reason. <br /><br />But that's why there is nothing like the human brain either. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:36971 2009-11-07T20:41:30Z 2009-11-07T20:41:30Z I can't untie all of the knots in my life. <br /><br />I'm in a constant state of paranoia. Working on curbing this feeling of impending doom. but it is upon me. Am I doing the wrong thing? <br /><br />Is this just the way I am?<br /><br />Is it possible that I still don't understand who I am? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:36844 2009-10-29T21:54:37Z 2009-10-29T21:54:37Z Today is my 15month anniversary. And the person im supposed to be sharing it with is ignoring me on while sitting onthe couch playing video games with his friend. <br /><br />go figure. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:36489 2009-10-26T02:54:38Z 2009-10-26T02:54:38Z I'm in it again-haha. <br /><br />I'm not sure how this happens, but all at once all of the people in my life become disconeccted from me, whether that be through their fault or mine is not important. It just happens. there are valid reasons for some and than for other there is no reason at all really. Maybe a personality conflict here and there, or something that I just can't accept at this juncture. <br /><br />It might be my defense mechanism when I don't want to face my problems. Which is fine, but if I am to live with no regrets than I must face my problems.....one day. <br /><br />Of course I could always take this oppurtunity to cut out of social obligation and concentrate on school and work which I have been doing. Maybe it's just time to go back to the Shayna Basics. <br /><br />I need to get back to a place where I don't need anyone to be happy with my life. So that I can easee back in to my relationships with people again. <br /><br />Coming undone has its downside, but I learn a little bit more about my crazy side each time.<br /><br />I'm going to stop listening to what people say. I was trying to care about what people think a little bit this year, and it turned me into someone that I don't like very much. Let me get back to me and then you all will see. <br /><br />In recovery.<br /><br />Crazi Shay urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:36226 2009-09-05T16:47:21Z 2009-09-05T16:47:21Z Who do I want to be?<br />Do I want to bring peace?<br />Give to those in need,<br />What if it is me who needs?<br />On my hand and knees,<br />who do I want to be?<br /><br />Do I make the choice to be lonely?<br />Pushing those closest from me?<br />Holding on to my memories,<br />Never let a thought run free,<br />My mind is full of anomolies.<br />Do I make the choice to be lonely?<br /><br />How do I want to feel?<br />My heart in my hands is mine to heal.<br />I'm always angry and it's so real.<br />Reversing this cycle seems ideal,<br />to change the way my mind deals.<br />I hate to be hurt but I must heal.<br />How do I want to feel?<br /><br />Do I want to fight my feelings?<br />Hide them under layers of other things,<br />Anger, hatred and pure lamenting.<br />I think my mind needs a changing,<br />Analyzing and prioritizing<br />Do I want to fight my feelings? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:35860 2009-08-24T23:22:49Z 2009-08-24T23:22:49Z People=SHIT. <br /><br />I haven't confessed my undying love and affection for slipknot recently. <br /><br />I started writing in this thing again because i realized that NO ONE uses it anymore :-D. <br /><br />Which is great for me, because that pretty much means that anything goes.<br /><br />So today i'm writing mostly out of boredom. Something to do while Marwinn is in class :-(. <br /><br />I miss my papa damnit.<br /><br />So, basically just taking a smoke break...heh....and listening to Cory Taylor make love to the microphone with his sweet words. <br /><br />I'm so poetic it kills me, I actually think like this. <br /><br />In random blurbs of sort-of-sohpisticated rambling I express my inner stonededness. <br /><br />I'd like to think of it as the same habit that shakespeare had in language- to make his own. <br /><br />And hey, his was excepted into the English languange so what have I got to lose? <br /><br />No one speak or writes correctly anyway. Chat slang and dialect took care of that for us. <br /><br />Lately I find myself becoming more and more angry at the human race. <br /><br />I can't help it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:35587 2009-08-22T20:28:33Z 2009-08-22T20:28:33Z If I could write a book <br />who would read such a book? <br /><br />Those who need to feel <br />that they have a better life<br />than the life of a girl<br />who is accountable for eveything. <br /><br />I am held to a standard <br />of which i wish to oppose<br />but except out of love<br />a deep need to acceept responsibility. <br /><br />This is my curse<br />to take hold of incompetance <br />to control all outcomes <br />to make something grow from nothing. <br /><br />It is diturbing what can be created<br />from extreme neglect and hatred.<br /><br /><br />I feel like a cloth untwining<br />the strings being pulled<br />by the ones who wear me down <br />the ones meant to love me.<br /><br />How can my life go on happily? <br />Must i disban those who I love most<br />to achieve sanity? <br /><br /><br />Once sanity has been reached, is there happiness?<br />Or am I so molded by my past <br />that there is only happines in unrest?<br /><br />I feel so compelled to do right <br />despite my own flaws or desires<br />I am compelled to right all that i see wrong<br />But now-do I have the power to identify the difference?<br /><br />These are things I know<br />I want to be okay<br />I want to be alive <br />I want to know myself<br />I want to love others<br />I want to help others<br />I want to allow myself to grow<br />I want to accept change<br />I want to embrace oppurtunity<br />I want to succeed <br />I want to learn all that I can <br />I want to expand my mind<br />I want to invite others to experience things with me<br />I want all this bullshit to be over. <br /><br />Later urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:35419 2009-04-10T19:56:26Z 2009-04-10T19:56:26Z I have it. It's good. <br /><br /><br />Quick update.<br /><br />I have a boyfriend named Marwinn. I love him very much. <br /><br />I also still have te best friend anybody could hope for , but only i got cause ther eis only one of her and her name is Caitlyn and she never reads this anyway. <br /><br />I've done plenty since graduation. <br /><br />new job-now not that new but you get the point. <br /><br />new apartment....actually 2 new apartments but what're gunna do right?<br /><br />ultra---but donnt let that fool you into thinking that's the only thing i've been up to, plenty of adventure has ensued.<br /><br /><br />That's got you up to current preetty much. And i havent updated this thing in nine months lmao. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:35204 2008-06-03T05:29:35Z 2008-06-03T05:29:35Z You want to fuck me baby?<br />You want me to grind down on you?<br />Do you want to feel my sweet caress?<br />Do you want to rip off my dress?<br />Tell me softly what you want to do to me.<br />While I laugh and climb into the backseat.<br />Pulled hair and muffled screams.<br />The windows are fogged from personal steam.<br />This is so hot, the way you seduce me.<br />My body is always ready <br />they call me a sex fiend.<br />So baby take it slow just for fun<br />Why rush when you know you're gunna come?<br />Take off only the clothes you have to<br />You never know if we'll get caught by some asshole.<br /><br />They call me the exhibitionist/ I twist shit/ ride dicks/ harder than a bitch/ with all my grace and all my style/ it'll make you crazy when I go wild. "She's a crazy girl" that's what they say/ but they don't know how I operate. Baby as soon as the sun drops outta the sky/ I get high and go find me a guy/ I let him know what's gunna go down/ I pick a spot and watched how shocked/ they get when / they realize what my plans are/ you want to do it where?/ in who's car/ outside of what bar?/ on the roof of who's house/ in the bushes in what park/ you want me to go how far/ you want me to take what off?/ why did you bring handcuffs?/ I think this is too crazy for me/ don't you see/ I'm a little boy who hasn't done these things/ but guys let me tell you just one thing/ you won't ever meet a bitch who fucks like me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:34696 2008-03-15T17:44:11Z 2008-03-15T17:44:11Z I’m so far down from this place<br />and I’m still falling.<br />I’m so caught up in this mess<br />and I’m holding on. <br />But my hands are slipping<br />and my grip slackens.<br />I’m gunna slip up, I’m gunna fall down<br />no one will hear, no one’s around.<br /><br />These are the tings they thought before...<br />They took thier lives. <br />__________________________________________<br /><br />It’s getting closer.<br />My calendar tracks the days<br />the moon fades through the nights.<br />And I watch through the window, <br />my chin on my hands, my fists clenched tight. <br />if I can just get past this day.<br />Just one more day and one more night,<br />then I can make it through the next right?<br />-------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />It slips and slides across my skin<br />it’s sweet caress as I breathe in<br />The water rises past my neck<br />and I can breathe one more time.<br />It slips and slides across my skin<br />filling me and swalloing me, taking me in.<br />-----------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Ever want to get in someone else’s mind?<br />Get lost in thier thoughts, see through their eyes?<br />Maybe they know more than you do<br />Perhaps you’ll learn a deeper truth.<br />And what if they’ve seen paradise,<br />the place with eternal sunrise?<br /><br />Have you ever wanted to see what the think?<br />How do they go on with thier lives?<br />Maybe they know how to live better than you,<br />Maybe if you could see inside<br />Maybe then, you’d still be alive.<br /><br />---------------------------------------------------------------- urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:34320 2008-01-20T12:26:10Z 2008-01-20T12:26:10Z So I have been in New York city for the last few days....<br /><br />It's been interesting and alright. <br /><br />I'll have more later. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:34066 2007-12-26T21:37:13Z 2007-12-26T21:37:13Z According to kelcie my christmas haul is nessacary:<br /><br />-I bought myself a 2001 ford focus which i soon thereafter named "Albus Dumbledore."<br />-GPS system for new car<br />-Seat covers for new car.<br />-Febreeze for new car<br />-Wife Beaters<br />-$40 from grandparents<br />-Nail kit...wtf?<br />-$240 from mother<br />-pedicure<br />and thats all folks! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:33860 2007-12-26T03:03:41Z 2007-12-26T03:03:41Z That's right folks..I cleaned my room today. <br /><br /><br />Something must be the matter :-P.<br /><br />Whatever.<br /><br />Christmas is a miserable day for us Jews. <br /><br />Later bitches. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:33763 2007-12-02T07:03:48Z 2007-12-02T07:03:48Z I only update my life journal when I don't really have anything to say. With the exception of moaning about my horrible life, which I tend to enunciate over the internet, more than I actually deal with it. I guess when you sit outside on a Saturday night for over two hours...I just....realized how alone I am. And how long I have been alone. Truth. It's my fault. And I am not sure I'll ever be ever to change it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:33496 2007-11-11T04:08:35Z 2007-11-11T04:08:35Z A flat fell on the stage today right as the show started.<br /><br />It was priceless.<br /><br />It's over. <br /><br />Set Strike tomorrow...and then we are free.<br /><br />Cola Roja....<br /><br />No puking. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:33228 2007-11-09T20:31:28Z 2007-11-09T20:31:28Z Red bull...<br /><br />What the hell is going on in my life?<br /><br />I've lost track almost. <br /><br />No, it's official. I have lost track.<br /><br />My stomach hurts. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:32891 2007-10-27T19:27:35Z 2007-10-27T19:27:35Z I'm getting so played. <br /><br />So instead of confronting it, I'm just going to go into apathetic mode. <br /><br />You want to see cold-hearted? <br /><br />Try me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:32520 2007-10-25T00:59:57Z 2007-10-25T00:59:57Z Why am I breathing someone else's air?<br /><br />I have Grey hair. No air conditioning. No sink. <br /><br />So much for straight A's.<br /><br />Pretty ironic since I spend every waking minute of my life in school. <br /><br />Fuck kids who try and build shit. Because they build it wrong. And then I have to take it apart and put it back together again. <br /><br />Im not as sick anymore. That's great. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:32340 2007-10-23T02:12:46Z 2007-10-23T02:12:46Z I am single.<br /><br />Again.<br /><br />I did the breaking up...as usual.<br /><br />He doesn't deserve me.<br /><br />And I am just going to keep telling myself that. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:32188 2007-10-19T01:44:37Z 2007-10-19T01:44:37Z I need someone to be there for me. Someone that wants to come and see me in between rehersal and homework and work and sleep. Someone who calls more than once a week that has something to say to me. Someone who cares...at least a little more than they care now. <br /><br />And he isn't being that person for me like he claimed he would. I'm dissapointed.<br /><br />I hate some aspects of my life. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:31999 2007-10-16T01:52:55Z 2007-10-16T01:52:55Z I love how my deepest and yet most simple life changes are inbedded deep within my livejournal. Everytime I type the URl a am overcome by my own emotions, some of which I did not even know that I had.<br /><br />Let me introduce Vincent Luigi Cimino into my livejournal spectrum. This is a boy who is currently part of the United States Army. A soldier. And my newest addition if you want to put it like that. He hates civilian life, and therefor he is pretty much one of the biggest asshole to walk the free world. For some strange reason...a phrase that I should quote my life with...I really care about him. maybe its because I'm selfish and I want a challenge, and that is exactly what he is. I have to be nice, I can't get mad, because if I get mad, then he won, and then he can go be an even bigger asshole. If I'm nice, and take it with a grain of salt, then he gives me the look that I want him to. The "I love you, too." look. And if that doesn't work, then I reverse back to the baby voice and don't stop until he decides to treat me like a human being.<br /><br />Do you know how long it took me to figure that out? Until about five minutes ago. <br /><br />I'm in a dangerous kind of love.<br /><br />Kelsie...you and I...are both bleeding...and therefor something very depressing happened today and we almost were like mean to each other. We need advil, chocolate, and a bowl. Oh right...and the removal of our reproductive parts. Who needs em?!<br /><br />And and yes. I am crazy. <br /><br />I love you all. Well....most of you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:crazishayshay:31591 2007-09-19T01:29:12Z 2007-09-19T01:29:12Z of course I find a boy.<br /><br />I smile for five minutes.<br /><br />And I am already being treated like shit.<br /><br />Fix my life for me, for I am too tired to sew the reaped.