Craziness of Shay

I have done nothing but help this kid since he broke my fucking heart.

His car breaks down so I fucking drive him everywhere he needs to go and give him my car during the days to go to work. And I am going to have trouble if I have to drive him around tomorrow and he gets pissed at me. Tells me he is mad because " as a friend, I don't want to help him."

Well...As a girlfriend I shouldn't even be talking to him.

So he can go fuck hisself.

I am so sick of being hurt. It is starting to feel as though I was put on Earth to be a target. I work very hard to acheive my goals and to fulfill my dreams, and yet it always feels like someone is going to come along and crush them.

I put all of my love, energy, and faith into a relationship that I hoped would be lasting. Now, that is falling apart too. Liars and I don't exist well together. It is killing me though, because this person was supposed to be there for me and love me, and he so did not do that at all.

I hate myself for once again givingng to me everything that I could, only to be let down and hurt in the end. Worst part about the whole thing is that I let myself be manipulated for months before I could see the light. I should have stuck to my gut and pursued it further, but each time I caved to his bullshit. I gave him the benfit of the doubt and moved on;big mistake on my part since he was lying to me the entire time.

How do I even go on from here?

I made it from friday to wednesday without shedding a tear.

And that all came crashing down after I got an A in my English class.

Now I can cry all I fucking want.

I feel so alone in the world.

Maybe it is just better this way.

Betrayal is my worst pet peeve.

There is nothing quite like getting broken up with for no reason.

But that's why there is nothing like the human brain either.

I can't untie all of the knots in my life.

I'm in a constant state of paranoia. Working on curbing this feeling of impending doom. but it is upon me. Am I doing the wrong thing?

Is this just the way I am?

Is it possible that I still don't understand who I am?

Today is my 15month anniversary. And the person im supposed to be sharing it with is ignoring me on while sitting onthe couch playing video games with his friend.

go figure.

I'm in it again-haha.

I'm not sure how this happens, but all at once all of the people in my life become disconeccted from me, whether that be through their fault or mine is not important. It just happens. there are valid reasons for some and than for other there is no reason at all really. Maybe a personality conflict here and there, or something that I just can't accept at this juncture.

It might be my defense mechanism when I don't want to face my problems. Which is fine, but if I am to live with no regrets than I must face my problems.....one day.

Of course I could always take this oppurtunity to cut out of social obligation and concentrate on school and work which I have been doing. Maybe it's just time to go back to the Shayna Basics.

I need to get back to a place where I don't need anyone to be happy with my life. So that I can easee back in to my relationships with people again.

Coming undone has its downside, but I learn a little bit more about my crazy side each time.

I'm going to stop listening to what people say. I was trying to care about what people think a little bit this year, and it turned me into someone that I don't like very much. Let me get back to me and then you all will see.

In recovery.

Crazi Shay

Who do I want to be?
Do I want to bring peace?
Give to those in need,
What if it is me who needs?
On my hand and knees,
who do I want to be?

Do I make the choice to be lonely?
Pushing those closest from me?
Holding on to my memories,
Never let a thought run free,
My mind is full of anomolies.
Do I make the choice to be lonely?

How do I want to feel?
My heart in my hands is mine to heal.
I'm always angry and it's so real.
Reversing this cycle seems ideal,
to change the way my mind deals.
I hate to be hurt but I must heal.
How do I want to feel?

Do I want to fight my feelings?
Hide them under layers of other things,
Anger, hatred and pure lamenting.
I think my mind needs a changing,
Analyzing and prioritizing
Do I want to fight my feelings?

People=SHIT.

I haven't confessed my undying love and affection for slipknot recently.

I started writing in this thing again because i realized that NO ONE uses it anymore :-D.

Which is great for me, because that pretty much means that anything goes.

So today i'm writing mostly out of boredom. Something to do while Marwinn is in class :-(.

I miss my papa damnit.

So, basically just taking a smoke break...heh....and listening to Cory Taylor make love to the microphone with his sweet words.

I'm so poetic it kills me, I actually think like this.

In random blurbs of sort-of-sohpisticated rambling I express my inner stonededness.

I'd like to think of it as the same habit that shakespeare had in language- to make his own.

And hey, his was excepted into the English languange so what have I got to lose?

No one speak or writes correctly anyway. Chat slang and dialect took care of that for us.

Lately I find myself becoming more and more angry at the human race.

I can't help it.

If I could write a book
who would read such a book?

Those who need to feel
that they have a better life
than the life of a girl
who is accountable for eveything.

I am held to a standard
of which i wish to oppose
but except out of love
a deep need to acceept responsibility.

This is my curse
to take hold of incompetance
to control all outcomes
to make something grow from nothing.

It is diturbing what can be created
from extreme neglect and hatred.


I feel like a cloth untwining
the strings being pulled
by the ones who wear me down
the ones meant to love me.

How can my life go on happily?
Must i disban those who I love most
to achieve sanity?


Once sanity has been reached, is there happiness?
Or am I so molded by my past
that there is only happines in unrest?

I feel so compelled to do right
despite my own flaws or desires
I am compelled to right all that i see wrong
But now-do I have the power to identify the difference?

These are things I know
I want to be okay
I want to be alive
I want to know myself
I want to love others
I want to help others
I want to allow myself to grow
I want to accept change
I want to embrace oppurtunity
I want to succeed
I want to learn all that I can
I want to expand my mind
I want to invite others to experience things with me
I want all this bullshit to be over.

Later

I have it. It's good.


Quick update.

I have a boyfriend named Marwinn. I love him very much.

I also still have te best friend anybody could hope for , but only i got cause ther eis only one of her and her name is Caitlyn and she never reads this anyway.

I've done plenty since graduation.

new job-now not that new but you get the point.

new apartment....actually 2 new apartments but what're gunna do right?

ultra---but donnt let that fool you into thinking that's the only thing i've been up to, plenty of adventure has ensued.


That's got you up to current preetty much. And i havent updated this thing in nine months lmao.

You want to fuck me baby?
You want me to grind down on you?
Do you want to feel my sweet caress?
Do you want to rip off my dress?
Tell me softly what you want to do to me.
While I laugh and climb into the backseat.
Pulled hair and muffled screams.
The windows are fogged from personal steam.
This is so hot, the way you seduce me.
My body is always ready
they call me a sex fiend.
So baby take it slow just for fun
Why rush when you know you're gunna come?
Take off only the clothes you have to
You never know if we'll get caught by some asshole.

They call me the exhibitionist/ I twist shit/ ride dicks/ harder than a bitch/ with all my grace and all my style/ it'll make you crazy when I go wild. "She's a crazy girl" that's what they say/ but they don't know how I operate. Baby as soon as the sun drops outta the sky/ I get high and go find me a guy/ I let him know what's gunna go down/ I pick a spot and watched how shocked/ they get when / they realize what my plans are/ you want to do it where?/ in who's car/ outside of what bar?/ on the roof of who's house/ in the bushes in what park/ you want me to go how far/ you want me to take what off?/ why did you bring handcuffs?/ I think this is too crazy for me/ don't you see/ I'm a little boy who hasn't done these things/ but guys let me tell you just one thing/ you won't ever meet a bitch who fucks like me.

I’m so far down from this place
and I’m still falling.
I’m so caught up in this mess
and I’m holding on.
But my hands are slipping
and my grip slackens.
I’m gunna slip up, I’m gunna fall down
no one will hear, no one’s around.

These are the tings they thought before...
They took thier lives.
__________________________________________

It’s getting closer.
My calendar tracks the days
the moon fades through the nights.
And I watch through the window,
my chin on my hands, my fists clenched tight.
if I can just get past this day.
Just one more day and one more night,
then I can make it through the next right?
-------------------------------------------------------------

It slips and slides across my skin
it’s sweet caress as I breathe in
The water rises past my neck
and I can breathe one more time.
It slips and slides across my skin
filling me and swalloing me, taking me in.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Ever want to get in someone else’s mind?
Get lost in thier thoughts, see through their eyes?
Maybe they know more than you do
Perhaps you’ll learn a deeper truth.
And what if they’ve seen paradise,
the place with eternal sunrise?

Have you ever wanted to see what the think?
How do they go on with thier lives?
Maybe they know how to live better than you,
Maybe if you could see inside
Maybe then, you’d still be alive.

----------------------------------------------------------------

So I have been in New York city for the last few days....

It's been interesting and alright.

I'll have more later.

According to kelcie my christmas haul is nessacary:

-I bought myself a 2001 ford focus which i soon thereafter named "Albus Dumbledore."
-GPS system for new car
-Seat covers for new car.
-Febreeze for new car
-Wife Beaters
-$40 from grandparents
-Nail kit...wtf?
-$240 from mother
-pedicure
and thats all folks!

That's right folks..I cleaned my room today.


Something must be the matter :-P.

Whatever.

Christmas is a miserable day for us Jews.

Later bitches.

I only update my life journal when I don't really have anything to say. With the exception of moaning about my horrible life, which I tend to enunciate over the internet, more than I actually deal with it. I guess when you sit outside on a Saturday night for over two hours...I just....realized how alone I am. And how long I have been alone. Truth. It's my fault. And I am not sure I'll ever be ever to change it.

A flat fell on the stage today right as the show started.

It was priceless.

It's over.

Set Strike tomorrow...and then we are free.

Cola Roja....

No puking.

Red bull...

What the hell is going on in my life?

I've lost track almost.

No, it's official. I have lost track.

My stomach hurts.

I'm getting so played.

So instead of confronting it, I'm just going to go into apathetic mode.

You want to see cold-hearted?

Try me.